Fear is the Failure

Fear, truly the worst four letter f word, ever. Really, it truly is. Fear is so rampant, so wide spread, so contagious; so very crippling. It’s a joy stealing, dream killing, goal stalling, life inhibiting emotion! Fear stinks!

No one ever says things like, “He leapt joyfully with fear.” “She accomplished so much due to her fears.” “Fear took them so far.” Have they? I don’t recall ever seeing anyone speak positively about fear; well not unless they are on the other side of it. Fear is an obstacle we want to conquer, a feeling we want to bury, a condition we feel hopeless and stuck in. The only thing good about fear is leaving it behind.

Whether it is the fear of something tangible like snakes, spiders, mice, etc. or fear of a situation or event happening, it’s usually something we cannot control that causes us the most fear. I recently asked on FB for people to share their fears with me. Many people shared, many had the same fears. The fear of losing someone they love…. The fear of letting others down, the fear of not fulfilling their purpose. So many fears so little time, so many fears in common.

Lack of control, the unknown, the unaccomplished, the road never traveled. Oh fear, how I hate thee.

For so long I thought I was the only one, seriously. This has practically crippled me from the very beginning of motherhood. I was not a fearful person growing up. I was somewhat dare-devilish… I would try things on a dare, I would always take the challenge if you told me I couldn’t do something… I am still this way. Hence the weight loss in the last 9 months, but the story of that challenge is for another blogpost.  I do not remember being fearful as a kid or teen…. Well except Rumpelstiltskin, he scared the crud out of me…. That and my older sisters and older cousins let us watch Psycho when I was about 8 or 9… Yes, I had a very hard time walking upstairs at night, it took years for my heart to stop pounding every time I rounded the corner to walk up the stairs, oh and I mostly took baths, just a precaution!!! Anyway, I loved heights, taking chances, riding all rides (sorry Raquel!) Jumping of cliffs, loved it all. BUT, becoming a mother scared me to, well scared me into fear. Maybe that doesn’t make sense, but I lived in a state of fear for quite some time. What the heck am I going to do with a baby all day? Will I know when to feed him, change him… Mommy? Me? NO! This is a colossally bad idea, really, I was NOT created to be a mother! I was a selfish, career driven, selfish, I have goals and dreams kind of person. Oh and I was selfish. Whose idea was this anyway?  God definitely has a sense of humor! As many of you know we found out early on during my pregnancy JJ had major medical issues, a defect they called it. Too much strenuous activity or over exerting myself could cause growth retardation.  I dropped college, quit working and bed ridden, I was!

My fear quickly evolved from what will I do all day to what if he doesn’t make it? What if he dies, what if he has no will to live due to all his pain and surgeries, etc. I cried and prayed non-stop after he was born until one early morning when a nurse said, “Mom, it’s gonna be okay. He is one of the strongest kids in this unit.” My reply was, “What if he gives up, what if he doesn’t want to live?” I was 21, and as any mommy knows, you’re attached as soon as you see that positive pregnancy test. She answered me with such gentle certainty, “Oh mom, he doesn’t know giving up is an option!” WOW! And though those words have stuck with me, as a mom fear remained and has been my greatest nemesis!

I’ve read many times that fear is mentioned in the Bible 365 times, that would be once for every day of the year. Could it be God knew we would all have fear, different fears, all kinds of fears, fears in different forms and at varying levels. Fears fears fears! Of course He knew, He’s God. We’re human, we’re flawed, we will mess up, have fear and we will sin, despite our best efforts not to. He knew we would fear, because He knew we would lack trust. I believe fear is ultimately the lack of trust in Him. I have often thought I had to control the situation, hover if you will, to prevent any bad things from happening. Makes sense, doesn’t it? God needed my help and I have been so willing to lend Him a hand…. I’m joking of course, what He needs is for me to get out of the way. Get out of the way and trust in Him. Sounds so easy. I ask for help with this almost daily. God replace my fears with bravery, boldness, courage and confidence in You. I ask this a lot; I am trying to practice it a lot. I am getting better, working on getting a lot better!

But let me share with you how not only fear as a mother caused me to be a helicopter mom, but to not move forward, I remained stunted in my growth and accomplishments. I put everything on hold, I even decided this was all I was to do in my life, despite knowing otherwise. Oh the enemy knows us all too well. I stopped writing for years, I dropped out of college and didn’t go back. I threw in the towel….. I was miserable and living with the fear that I would die one day having not ever accomplished the goals I believed God set in my heart. Not just goals, dreams, things I feel strongly and passionately about. This made me angry, and I am not an angry person. But because I bottled it up and dismissed all the nagging and tugging at my heart I got frustrated more every day. And I might have stayed that way if it wasn’t for the wisdom of my children…. Didn’t He say a child shall lead them? Never dismiss this, it is so true.

One of my children came to me one evening, this is after I had been praying about God leading me to get me out of the circumstances I was in. My own self-made misery. After God, through prayer, reminded me I needed to stop preaching at my kids about working harder for their dreams and goals, I needed to start showing them… Wait what? I take them to church, teach them to volunteer, to give of their time, to read the Bible, to pray, to be loyal, to be honest…. I feed them healthy foods, I insist they do physical activity, attend all their practices, and even practice on their own. What is this about???? Well, this child sat on my bed one evening to tell us they no longer wanted to do what they originally sat out to do. The child cried, made me cry. When I asked why they were crying, the child informed me they didn’t want me mad at them because of what they wanted to do now... I was puzzled, of course I won’t be mad, why would I be mad? This child knew I was excited about what they were pursuing. Okay but… This child went on to tell me it was because they thought I might think it’s stupid since I gave up on my dreams and settled...  HUGE THROAT STRETCHING GULP!!!! DING, DING, DING, WE HAVE A WINNER! Oh, how that hit me, it hit me hard, very hard. But God had honestly prepared me to hear it, so I understood what I had to do.

Fear had crippled me in so many ways. I feared for the safety and salvation of my kids, which meant I lacked trust in Him. But that wasn’t all of it; my fear over my kids was causing my greatest fear to come to fruition. The fear of failure, the fear of dying with regret!! That is my greatest fear, and due to my fear, it was happening. My fears were causing my greatest fears to be right on schedule to pull in to the station at the end of my journey. The worst part, I’ve allowed it the whole time.

While praying one week, I felt God saying something to me. This is why I posted a while back asking for others to share about their fears, I heard it loud and clear.

FEAR IS THE FAILURE!

Whoa, I had to stop and listen again. Wait, what?? FEAR IS THE FAILURE? I Prayed for guidance to understand this. You see, fear is the lack of trust and the usher of doubt which is the absence of faith! Whoa, again.

Fear is the lack of trust and the usher of doubt which is the absence of faith!

BAM!

I get it now; I get what God was telling me. I allowed fear to defeat me, when I should have been trusting in Him the whole time. Fear isn’t just fear; it’s s a joy stealing, life ruining, passion preventing, dream crushing event. So again, fear was making my worst fears come to life. I was trusting God for some many things, mostly other people’s needs, their healing and answers, just not my own. Not when it came to me and those closest to me.

In the beginning I argued about moving forward with what I felt passionate about, pursuing the inspirations God has given me. Those goals that won’t go away. I have been ready to give up so many times. One of my many debates recently has been due to my age, but then the Lord allowed me to see this quote by CS Lewis.

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”

God is always right on time… wish I was!

I have remedied, through the grace of God, a lot of those things I had neglected. I have stomped on many fears, kissed them good-bye, and I have stepped out of my comfort zone in SO many ways. I have pushed myself this past year, a lot. I have survived experiences that made my heart race, BUT, I walked away ready to try again. Much progress still to be made, but I am happy to report SO much has been accomplished.  I still have a few obstacles to leap over, and I will leap over them. You see, they no longer scare me, they challenge me, AND I LIKE A CHALLENGE!!

Sometimes Giants Fall and Sometimes They're Awakened!

I really don’t like admitting this, but I cried around 3 AM, Wed., Nov. 9^th. I’m not sure if it was due to the outcome of the election, or due to having suddenly realized I had to be up by 6:30 and I am not a morning person, at all!

Okay, I do know it was at least in part due to the outcome of the election. I have prayed over our nation, I have prayed for a revival, I prayed the sleeping giant would wake up and get back in the game. Well, the giant showed, and it showed up in full armor. We have been given another chance, another opportunity to show how much we love and appreciate the blessing of being American citizens.            May we never again be so blind to our leaders and so absent in the fight for our freedoms!!

 I knew I didn’t have the time or resources to have a great effect on the election but you bet I posted, tweeted and shared all I could to show HRC's true colors. Yes, I truly believe she is a morally bankrupt person. Yes, I believe she is greedy, controlling and dangerous. Yes, I believe she is a threat to national security, to my liberties and to my way of life. I’m not sure how so many people fail to come to these same conclusions… but anyway, just because I believe these things about HRC does not mean I think Trump is an angel, definitely not our savior. That position is eternally occupied by the One and only JC!  I am also uncertain how people make this leap from one opinion to the other, I dislike HRC so I think DT is perfect. Not!! He is flawed, so am I. He has changed his view on certain issues, so have I. He speaks his mind, so do I… yeah oops! Yes, gasp, I have said hurtful things in my life, I do regret them, all of them. I do want to be forgiven for those things I did in my past. Don’t we all?

Not an excuse but please realize passionate people often get defensive very quickly and often say what fills their mouth before their mind has the chance to filter their thoughts; then in a flash, they’re uttered into the open air without proper processing. Unfortunately, I am guilty of this. I have said more times than I care to admit, “Oops, did I say that out loud?”  Control comes with maturity and wisdom; I pray for these daily.  Thankfully I can say I have way better control than I did a decade ago.

I think Donald is most guilty of being a passionate, even egotistical and somewhat of a naïve locker room guy. I think it is despicable what he said, I do, but two more things I want you to consider; first, it was eleven years ago. Are we all the same person we were eleven years ago? Second, we most likely have ALL said something at least once in our lives in private that we would not have said if we knew we were being recorded. Come on, think about this honestly before you pounce or become defensive. I will admit it, I have. No, not proud of it, but it’s the truth and I would never say those things now; would you? Would he? Probably not. We all have gotten caught up in the moment at least once in our lives, in one way or another. We’ve all said or reacted in a way we regretted after the fact.

I know for those who do not like Trump it’s more than his lack of tact, his policies probably bother you too.  I have one more very important and relevant question- Why? Why do these policies bother you?

Why does banning partial birth abortion offend you?

The baby is already almost born? This is beyond sick, it’s evil, it’s disgusting. The medical community has said there is NO medical reason for any woman that would require a partial birth abortion, ever! It’s repulsive, do you know what they do to those babies? It’s what nightmares are made of. It’s pure evil, not even radical muslims support abortion. Muslims who behead teenagers and blow up toddlers do not believe in abortion; what does that say about those who do?

Closed borders?

What is wrong with closed borders? Mexico, China, Iran, etc. so many countries have closed borders. They would arrest you if you cross over illegally into their countries. So why are we wrong? Legal immigration is good, illegal is bad. I often wonder why saying legal vs illegal isn’t self-explanatory! Those who come here legally should be angry with those coming here illegally, they are the problem. They hinder the progress of those following the law. I am totally supportive of legal immigration, some of my ancestors immigrated here. You do know the US cannot support the entire population of the world, right? Why are we at fault for having a policy you support in other countries? Most of the time we’re criticized for not being more like other countries. *sigh*

Lastly, our enemies. Yes, we have enemies. HRC and BO both refuse to recognize radical islam as our enemy. Don’t freak out, I said RADICAL! They hate us, want to control us, rape us, enslave us, kill us. Personally, I consider anyone who harbors those types of unhealthy feelings toward me, to be my enemy, call me crazy. Why is it okay for her to take their money? Pay for play? People only take money like this for favors, you must know this! She also says she is for women and children!! How is that possible? Seriously, tell me how this is possible. She is for abortion which deprives many babies the right to ever become children, children she supports, but she is okay with them being murdered as babies... It also takes an emotional toll on the women who have abortions. Women are suppressed by those she takes money from…. How can she be for women and scheme in pay for play with our enemies who abuse, control, rape, and kill women at will. How is this possible? You can’t have it both ways… Oh and gays, she is for gays? Really? Not if she is taking money, pay for play with the same enemy who drowns, beats, and throw gays off buildings. Why are you people who support her not asking these questions?? And for blacks, oh sure she just supports Planned Parenthood whose founder was for the elimination of the black race, hence her encouraging abortion mostly among blacks. Repulsive!!

And celebrities who support her, it’s all so confusing, I don't understand... Oh Miley, your entire wardrobe would not be able to cover you sufficiently to appease those who she is consorting with. No more singing, performing and what is that she does, twirping? Whatever, some supposed dance move, I don't watch her. No more walking around half naked with your unhinged tongue hanging out. Katie, ditto what I said about Miley, how do you two feel about stoning? Raven, well, they would throw you off a building! But okay, if you’re good with that, none of my business if you want to vote for that. Some of those other people, I guess they’re celebrities, I have no idea who they are. But I would appreciate you all being more informed, especially if you think Americans should listen to your opinion. I have to say, you seem not to be aware that merely being a performer of any kind is not enough to qualify you as a political pundit. This is very important for you to know; you need to take this seriously since many misguided children listen to you not knowing how uniformed you are. Being informed is invaluable, in particular if you love your way of life. You would not be allowed that lifestyle under our enemy or in a socialist society, just thought you should know!

           

Thankfully this is irrelevant now, she did not get elected, we were spared that disaster. That giant was defeated. Now, a part of me feels for her. She spun a web and got tangled up in her own lies, deceptions and schemes. I know I need to pray for her, and I will, I have. But as a lesson, no matter who is POTUS, I hope we never allow ourselves to become so comfortable with our leaders that we leave the checks and balances to them. We can never take their word for it, or believe we have to pass the bill to find out what is in it, again! Did anyone really believe this? And, we should never allow them to forget they work for us. This is our America, our ancestors paid for this land, for our freedoms with their blood, their sweat, their tears and too often their lives. We owe it to them to keep it the land of the free because of the brave, not the land of the enslaved and easily offended because of the evil and greedy.

Good morning giant, we’ve missed you!!!!

 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

I know everyone is waiting anxiously for me to voice my opinion on the newest Trump fiasco.... Just kidding, most couldn't care less, but I hope you will read what I have to say on the matter and take what I say into consideration.

 

First, no matter who you are those types of comments are unacceptable, period. And as a woman who has experienced sexual harassment I speak with some knowledge. In my early 20s, more than once. On one of those occasions I was unfortunate enough to be alone sitting near 3 young males who spoke to me in a way, said disgusting things that would make Trump's words seem harmless. I do not consider myself a victim, ever. I choose to learn from situations and grow from them. I won't say it did not immediately affect me b/c it did, I cried later, far away from any witnesses. But I will say this, if I saw these 3 men today, I would not hold this situation against them. I had to forgive and move on. Especially if there is an apology, but my faith compels me to forgive, regardless. Also b/c I know I have said more things I regret in my life than I care to admit! As a child, as a teenager, as an adult.... Everyone close to me knows I am a passionate, opinionated person with a sharp tongue that often acts before I think. There are many words I wish I could take back. 

Unfortunately, I've brought many people, friends, family to tears with my cut throat replies and for that I am now very sorry and I pray those people do not judge me on what I did all those years ago just as I cannot judge another for their words. 

 

Remember, we have ALL said things we regret. We ALL want to be forgiven for the things we've said in the past, so why is it we aren't willing to give that same consideration and forgiveness to others, to Trump. 

 

One last thought, something we all say....

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

Before you make a decision and I encourage you to pray, here are a few things to remember; FDR, Kennedy, and Clinton were all womanizers, had affairs, Bill has even been accused of rape and inappropriate behavior in the Oval Office. Why are these behaviors more excusable than words? 

Hillary accused a 12 yo girl who was beaten and raped to the point she was never able to have children. Her innocence, her dignity, her chance at motherhood all stolen, ripped away from her. And Hillary's words in defense of her vile, despicable, DEPLORABLE client were to accuse the 12yo of wanting to be raped, she fantasized about rape! I was a 12yo girl once, that was a fear, not a fantasy. With that same tongue she spoke the words, "What does it matter now anyway?" in reference to the lost lives of 4 men who she failed to send help to in Benghazi. If words bother you so much, then think about her words and realize her words not only hurt, they cost lives and set rapists free

It's NEVER too late, so NEVER give up!

As this May 2016 comes to a close, I feel compelled to share something I have not shared with many people before, and certainly not this way, publicly on social media. I realized last month that this May marks the 10 year anniversary of a very pivotal event in my life. I also realized through a conversation with one of my children, who shall remain nameless, that this, sharing certain things about myself is a weak area for me. Talking to people, posting funny stories about my kids or giving my opinion is my norm, my comfort zone. I rarely think I am wrong; Jerry can substantiate this (LOL!) and I love to make people laugh. I also don’t mind, through my writing making people cry or feel lots of emotion. BUT, I absolutely do not like sharing my pain or vulnerability. This is definitely something I should have gotten over years ago, but, well, I haven’t. I am trying. I never thought it was necessary to share some of what I went through. Probably for most it isn’t, but if it is part of my testimony than I may be robbing God of His much deserved glory. Or maybe there is that one person who does not understand what they’re going through, and reading my experience and outcome might help or give them hope.

So here it goes….. and I will attempt to make a long story short.... I said attempt!

To give you a little back ground, I was very athletic, very active when I was kid, pre-teen. We were in gymnastics, played softball, basketball, swam all summer in our pool. I even played soccer here in Mustang so long ago that I had to play on a boys’ team due to there not being a girls’ team for me to play on. I always did well on the Presidential physical fitness tests. I loved getting those reports back showing what percentage I was in the national ranking, I ranked high. I was very active and had the appetite of a teenage boy. I was even proud of the fact that when we stayed the night with our grandparents I was able to eat more pancakes than both my older sisters and my grandpa. I ate nine, without any effort. It was really cute, at that time, that I could do this. I was tall for my age, almost 5’3” at 10,  I I was thin and growing or so we thought, I stayed just under 5'3"… Then the winter when I was 14. My life changed drastically… and remember, this is from the point of view of a 14year old girl. In less than 2 months, I went from 100 lbs. to 145 lbs. BAM!!!  What changed? Doctor’s appointments, tests, blood work, more tests, exams, etc. talk about adding insult to injury… They came to the obvious conclusion, my thyroid was out of whack, my levels were low, and we discovered I had an irregular heart murmur… isn’t a heart murmur an irregular heart beat?  This has always confused me. Thankfully the murmur has never caused me a moment of problems. However, the thyroid issue has caused me more than my share of problems. Probably more than it should have, but again, I was 14, kids are cruel, especially boys who used to think you were pretty and oh the unrealistic body types on the teen magazines! I withdrew from a lot of stuff due to feeling self-conscious and uncomfortable in my own skin. Did I mention Dr. Richter decided although I was old enough to have a thyroid problem, I was too young to treat.  I was left to figure it out. Sigh! This was devastating because my weight was NOT the only thing affected. My focus and concentration were suffering, school became a chore, I became unhappy…. Well losing 2 grandparents that winter/spring and my parents divorcing may have also had a profound effect on my mood and lack of happiness. I know it led to my stomach ulcer a year later. This was also a dangerous time for me. You see I struggled to lose a pound, I went without eating, if I did eat I tried to eat healthy, low cal, no fat…. Blah blah blah. So, the stomach ulcer got bad and I got to where I could not hold down food. Even though I was treated, my diet had to be changed to accommodate the healing process. Through this experience I lost weight, and I discovered and adopted a very unhealthy habit that followed me into adulthood. When I became weary of not eating, the other became my go to, to keep off the weight. I was back down to a slender 104 lbs and very proud of it….! Before you become impressed, the effects were long lasting, I am getting to that part. I needed very strong glasses at 17 years old. I was told my eyes were so bad I may need bifocals by the time I was in my 30s. Oh how my older self would like to choke my younger self!

Fast Forward now to 2006…. By this time, I have 5 children, which in itself is a miracle. I was told at 26 after 2 kids that my thyroid was fine but my system was in menopause…. 26??? Strangely in 1997 even though the Navy thought my thyroid was fine, I literally did not show any trace of certain hormones in my system. And according to a doctor in CC Texas who was off base who was helping me, informed me I had almost no good cholesterol and very little bad. No, not good! Anyway, 2006, 5 kids. 2 boys, 3 girls. Worth mentioning, our oldest son was born with what some called a chromosomal defect, the doctor in Corpus Christi set me straight and mentioned many babies born in the valley have gastrochisis like our son. There is much malnourishment down there…. Ouch! Major guilt plagued me.  So now 5 kids and I am more miserable than I could have ever imagined. I had zero energy, no focus, no drive, no joy and I could not stay awake to save my life. I homeschool, this was a bad situation. I rarely got dressed. If it wasn’t for the help of a dear friend, Caron, you know who you are and my oldest daughter I am not sure how Cole would have been taken care of as an infant. If I ate, I gained weight, if I starved myself, I gained weight, if I breathed, I gained weight and I was nursing!? I could not remember one day to the next, my sleep was not restful. I was miserable, I felt hopeless. I have never been one to be depressed. I always worked through what I had to and always tried to keep going, keep fighting, keep overcoming. Determined, I had always found a way to function and get by. I am told I am extremely obstinate… I think the exact thing my mom says is, I am the most- stubborn person on planet earth. But I had nothing left, my joy was non-existent I no longer wanted to find a way, overcome. I had also become very mean in my misery. My determination was dead. The last straw was when I looked at Jerry and said, “I honestly don’t care whether or not I wake up in the morning.” With that Jerry said, “Enough, we’re finding a doctor who can help you.”

May 2006, we found a doctor, a doctor who believed in natural healing. Fellow in Endrochronology, etc. I went for my initial visit, blood work, weigh in, consult, etc. That week we left for Houston, JBQ regionals. A week later I returned to see the doctor to find out what was going on. I had not only gained 9 lbs. in that week I was exhausted, more than usual. The doctor came in the room, looked at me compassionately and leaned on the counter. My first thought was please God, don’t let him tell me nothing is wrong… Yes, I wanted something to be wrong! First words out of his mouth, “Have you killed anybody yet?” I replied as I began to cry, “No, but I have wanted to.” His reply, “I can imagine. But we’re going to fix it so you don’t feel this way anymore!” I cried and I cried and I cried! Turns out all this time my thyroid was screwed up, big time. He then explained why the other doctors could not tell. They lacked performing enough blood tests to look at other levels of the thyroid. Most doctors only test 1-3, there are many more levels that need to be tested to determine what is going on. He asked me about my kids, if any had certain defects or neuro problems. At the time my answer was no. He was shocked, not only that I had 5 kids, and he said do not have anymore, your thyroid cannot take it, but that not one was mentally retarded or suffering neurologically. Of course we know now that Cole was affected by my condition, but he is also exceeding expectations and already has an amazing testimony. However, it did not end there. My blood work also revealed I have a condition called Insulin Resistance. This was very likely contributing to my moods and exhaustion as much as my low functioning thyroid. He explained this to me, gave me a diet to follow and insisted I do so religiously as he then informed me of the even worse news. According to the path I was on, he said I would be a diabetic by the time I was 40, and heart disease is a major result of IR. Due to the over production of insulin, my arteries would begin to harden…… Not what I wanted to hear. But the worst news was yet to come. Although the low functioning thyroid was not anything I could control, my IR was most likely and as I knew most assuredly a self-inflicted condition. Yes, anorexia and bulimia had repercussions I could never have imagined. It affected both my sons, my eye sight, my health and my joy, the affects were long term.

This gets better, so keep reading!!!!

BUT, we definitely serve a God of second chances. I followed the diet, my new way of eating, religiously. I lost 17.5 lbs in the first 28 days, and I had energy lots of energy. By September of that year I had lost almost 50…. Then, God had other plans and blessed us with baby #6, and I am so glad He did. Her nickname is My Joy. I stayed on the diet through my pregnancy and beyond. In 10 years I have only had 2 episodes’/blood sugar crashes and PTL, I have not had any blood tests come back irregular. My thyroid has had to be increased. I now take more than most, as much as women in their 70s…. But it’s natural, pig thyroid and I feel better than I think I ever have. I do not have diabetes, and my heart appears to have not been affected at all…. Oh, did I mention, (no one believes this), I have grown an inch and a half in the last 10 years and I no longer require eye glasses… No, I am not kidding! I was the shortest of the sisters, now, it appears I am the tallest! I am down almost 70 lbs from my heaviest and again, I have more energy than I did in my 20s. I am truly healthier than I have ever been! Other than thyroid and vitamins, I am not on any meds of any kind. In fact, I haven’t had an antibiotic in 10 years, other than when I had my c-sections.

I know this was long, but I want anyone and everyone who reads this to understand how bad things were and how much better they are now. Never ever give up hope, never ever think it is too late, never think it can’t or won’t get better. God made us resilient, all of us. I always hear how kids are resilient, but we all are. We are made to do incredible things if we would only show discipline and be faithful to what we need to do. I absolutely believe nothing is impossible with God. In His hands I am able, I just have to be willing and obedient. It isn’t always easy to say no to sugar and carbs that affect my insulin production, but the benefits far outweigh the sacrifice… which really isn’t a sacrifice if you think about it.

For this, I get a lot of sympathy, sympathy I don’t feel I need or want. So, the next time you see me at a church dinner or out to eat, don’t say how sorry you are that I have to eat differently or that I have to say no to so many foods, be happy for me. I am! It’s a choice, a choice I make every day. A choice that has given me back my life and made me healthier. I believe God gave me this life and I owe it to Him and to those I love to do and to be my best. I wouldn’t go back to where I was 10 years ago for all the rolls and potatoes in the world!

So, happy 10 year anniversary to me. I celebrate with my protein drink, cottage cheese and berries, and low carb avocado roll ups, oh and better health!


Here’s to trusting in God and never giving up!

Not only will I always remember, I will never forget.

 

I don’t have much time to blog anymore, it seems life has many other ideas of what I should do with my time. Even now as I sit here typing, I can think of at least 6 other things, some more important, some less important, that I could be doing. But as many times before, this one won’t stop nagging at me. So in order to alleviate some thoughts from my noggin, I will type until every last thought and opinion on this matter have all been set free.... Well, maybe just most of them.

First, let me start by saying I am an animal lover. I love animals, I truly see them as a gift from God to enhance and bless our lives. I love cats, dogs, birds, fish… aren’t they relaxing… elephants, mice, guinea pigs, pigs, dolphins… I could go on but you get the point. You may have noticed I did not mention any reptiles, that was not a mistake. Although I do believe all men/women are created equal, I do not feel the same about animals and there I have now exposed my bias! Anyway, I do love animals. I feel anyone who is cruel to animals, or children is a special kind of evil and I have no tolerance for this…. Oops now I have exposed my intolerance, I may have to watch my back after this blog is posted…. I do love, love animals and learning about them. HOWEVER, if I see one more post about this gorilla, I may scream. I truly am saddened that this creature who was minding his own business, living his life in his habitat had to lose his life, I really am. I am however not mad at the zoo officials, they had to make a tough call, not a call any animal lover EVER wants to make, and they had to do it fast. They are not to blame, they suffered a great loss.  I am not angry with the 4year old, you know, 4 year olds have guardians for a reason… Enough said! No, I cannot watch the full video, but I saw enough to know. It is a great loss. But human loss is even greater. Like it or not, agree with me or not, human life is more valuable and just as irreplaceable. According to God’s very words, we are His greatest creation. Unfortunately, this gorilla is the victim of human error, as was the child. This child should not lose his life due to a possible lack of supervision. The whole thing is a tragedy, a tragedy this child will realize more and more as he gets older. I am certain because I ran over an elderly cat of ours, years ago and I have never forgotten it. I bawled, had nightmares, then cried some more. This story isn’t over for those involved. It is a tragedy all around.....

BUT…. BUT, I have to ask WHY, WHY does it seem on this day of remembrance for those who sacrificed; some who sacrificed all, some who will never hug their family again, some who will never be the same, some who suffer day after day, some wishing they had lost their own lives, some who watched as others gave the ultimate sacrifice I have to ask why does this gorilla’s life seem as though it is getting more attention than the brave men and women who provided us the freedoms that allow us to spew and post opinions and even ignorance on social media without the fear of being stoned or having our heads chopped off!!!! I think this is a legitimate question and the longest sentence I have ever typed! (I would take the time to mention the lives of the unborn that are also needlessly lost, but this would become the longest blog I’ve ever written) Do those who have taken the time to post their opinions calling the zoo officials murderers have any clue what today is about? Do they know this day was originally named Decoration Day? Do they know it started after the civil war by Union veterans and merged into a remembrance for all American soldiers who gave their lives while in military service? (That is ALL. The red, the yellow, the black, the white, the brown…. ALL) Do those who are crying outrage and tragedy for this gorilla have any idea how many people died for their freedom? Do they acknowledge it? Do they celebrate it? Honestly, do they appreciate it?

 

Admittedly, even I, a very patriotic, freedom favoring, liberty loving, red white and blue wearing American knows that my expressions of gratitude nor the tears I have shed or the prayers I have prayed can come anywhere near providing the thanks they each deserve for all they have given. I don’t know if they can see or feel my gratitude, but I hope they can. I hope and pray for the rest of my life to make sure not any veteran I encounter ever doubts how much I appreciate his contribution and sacrifice. If you ever doubt that they appreciate our expression of thanks, let me share something with you. While in Academy a few months ago, to buy Jerry a new pocket knife we (I had 5 of my kids with me) encountered a Vietnam veteran. As soon as I saw his hat, I turned to him as he was looking around. As soon as I caught his attention, I said, "Thank you, sir for your service and sacrifice for our country." He choked immediately, I involuntarily decided to join him in choking. The kids also acknowledged him.  We struck up a conversation about the sad state of our country. Right after as I was looking for a knife, he insisted on helping us find the right one. He even took out his knife and showed us what he liked about it, which brand was best for what Jerry wanted. He still seemed to have a spirit of serving and I was appreciative of his help. I think he needed to help me as much as I needed his help, if you know what I mean.

Remember these mostly faceless human beings who gave so much, they are someone’s father, mother, brother, sister, husband, wife, uncle, aunt, or child...They may be yours; appreciate them, respect them all as though they are. Take the time, not just today, every opportunity you have to let them know not only do you remember those who have served and or sacrificed, but you will never, ever forget.

 

 

 

 

 

This Old Shirt

Anyone who knows me well, knows I have a favorite old shirt. It’s less than perfect, to say the least, but it is my favorite shirt ever. I have had this shirt since high school, but I honestly cannot remember how this wonderful, soft, warm, red flannel shirt came to be all mine!  I love this shirt so much that I wear it almost every day throughout the cold months, sometimes even in the warmer months. I usually only take it off long enough to wash it. Have I mentioned I love this shirt, it’s my most favorite shirt in the whole world? To most it looks more like a rag for washing the car than a shirt for keeping warm. My family is often telling me to throw it away, it has holes that I have mended, tears that I have sown, and it is wearing thin in many spots. But it is still my favorite shirt, I want to keep it. My husband and mother insist on wanting to buy me a new one, but I don’t want a new one. I don’t want three new ones! I would prefer to keep mending this one. Why? Because it is my favorite shirt, because it serves its purpose in my life. Despite its age and condition it keeps me comfy and warm, what else is there?

As usual a few mornings ago I was wearing my favorite shirt. I was having my morning reading and prayer time in my room, door shut with worship music playing. I have been praying adamantly for a while for answers to a particular situation in my life. I am diligently seeking guidance, courage to overcome fears, increasing faith for limited abilities I feel I suffer from in my humanness. Wisdom to interpret these answers I think I am hearing. I’m quite certain doubt was attempting to make its presence known, when God, of course, intervened. It was just as my questioning was about to ensue, when I felt God propose the question, “What about your shirt?” It happened so suddenly I completely lost sight of my questions and immediately began answering the question presented to me. I gripped my shirt tightly and began to think. “Because it’s mine, it keeps me warm, I don’t care what it looks like or how old it is, it serves its purpose for me, no other shirt will do and well, silly as it sounds,  I love this shirt.” As quickly as I answered, I knew what God was trying to tell me. All my whys, hows, whens,  etcs.,  just stopped as I held tight to my old shirt thinking and listening to the voice of My Shepherd. “Because you are mine, I do not care what you look like, how old you are or what you have been through, My grace is sufficient, you are perfect for the purpose for which I created you, no one else will do and I too love you.”

Okay, you might be thinking, it’s just a shirt, but God knows how to get His point across and how to impact us in a way that is so indescribably perfect for where we are.  So from now on every time I wear this shirt, which is almost daily, I hope to recall this lesson, these words God has spoken to me. I pray that I will work diligently for the purpose He has set in my heart, even when I grow weary of the research, the long hours, the dead ends that I will remember just as I could never give up on an old worn out shirt, God can never give up on me.

Christians & suicide, condemnation or compassion? Depression is real, RIP Mr. Williams.

This has tugged at my heart for days, so I had to take the time to put it all down. I have never shared some of this before, but I felt it was time. For all those I love who have ever thought about suicide, for any who still struggle, you are not alone and you are loved. We all have mountains along our journey, please don't let the mountain of depression crush you or keep you down, let someone help you reach the top to defeat that mountain so you can continue the journey God created you to conquer!

All you grammar gurus pay no attention to my overuse of commas and extreme run on sentences. If I edit any more I will never find the time to post this, so please go easy on me, be merciful! =)

I believe everyone has their favorite memory, role or movie Robin Williams starred in. Well, my lifestyle is about to become blatantly obvious to anyone who does not already know me well. The day I heard of his passing, the role that entered my head first was the Genie in Aladdin. Oh how I enjoy all his character voices in this movie I have seen too many times to count.  Then, I think of Mrs. Doubtfire , The Night at the Museum, and although I am not fond of the movie as a whole, Old Dogs. The only serious role I ever watched him in was Patch Adams, that movie shook me up, though I know the story is inspiring and true. I prefer humor to drama, drama is in such abundant supply in life and always all over the news; just let me laugh, please! Unfortunately my most vivid memory of that movie is when the girl he is interested in is murdered. I know, I know, let it go, but please, please do so without singing THAT song!!

I grew up watching him on Mork and Mindy. Well, only when I was allowed to stay up to watch, that is. Okay and sometimes I hid quietly at the bottom of the stairs and tried to watch, did the same with One Day at A Time, I use to look up to Valerie Bertinelli and Pam Dawber. My dad really liked Jonathon Winters so Mr. Williams’ was very welcomed humor in our house. I was never a devoted fan of Mr. Williams, though I enjoyed his movies whenever I watched them. Except Patch Adams, it’s just not my thing.(letting it go) I am sorry to say I knew, know very little of his recent life and did not even know he currently had a TV show, really? I had no idea he felt he was slipping out of sobriety, I had no idea depression was plaguing him. Where have I been? Oh yeah, time is a very precious commodity, TV is very limited in our household. Also, I rarely keep up with Hollywood current affairs, I prefer not to know what is going on. Ignorance is bliss, right? No, I have guilt for not knowing. Why? I should have been praying for this man. Why? Because that is what Christians do, we pray for others, no matter who you are?

Suicide…. An act I truly struggle to understand, to grasp. Yes, initially in my flawed human mind, I think, WHY? How selfish an act this can be, why on earth would you do such a thing? But wait, before you become angry with me and get ready to lynch me, I said this takes place in my flawed human mind that desperately lacks understanding. In my heart, where my compassion resides, I ache to find the answer to why, the answer to how. How do we stop this. Possible answers, solutions, questions, scenarios run through my mind when these type of things happen. I lose sleep over it. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a (distant) family member, a friend, a friend of a friend, a celebrity or a total stranger who lives states away who planned her suicide to the very last detail, the act of suicide gets me at my very core.  

I also have those initial thoughts everyone has, you know the ones, “Don’t they know how loved they are? Don’t they know how much pain they’re causing those they leave behind? Don’t they…..?” As I was trying to consider these things, as I searched for an answer I decided I also needed to read articles, blogs or posts by some who has suffered from this mental disease, we often scoff at, the one known as depression. (Depressed, a word seriously misused and thrown around often without genuine care or complete understanding. Sorry, I digress. Yes, it needed to be said, moving on now…) I wanted to see if I could get more insight from someone else who has experienced or suffers from this condition. As I read, as I pondered, as I prayed for some itsy tiny bit of understanding, something I had never considered crossed my mind; then it pierced my heart, still does. Is asking a person who feels they’re surrounded by darkness, plagued with hopelessness, to see the love around them really fair? Is it realistic? Probably as fair and realistic as asking a blind person to see the person standing directly in front of them. Consider that for a moment… They know it’s there, but they can’t see it, they can’t experience it no matter how hard they try, no matter how much we tell them. This is what darkness does, it’s blinding, it’s deceiving it’s inescapable, at least it is when we try to escape on our own.  Darkness of the mind is like being blind.

Another question so many always ask, “How can a person with everything be depressed?” Well, ask yourself is money really EVERYTHING? Can it buy everything? Can it??  If so, why are so many in Hollywood addicted to drugs and ending up the same way as Mr. Williams. So many born into money or  inheriting a fortune end up much the same. Many lottery winners end up unhappy and broke. WARNING: my mind is about to wander off the path... How on earth can anyone win $40 million then blow it all and be broke? You have got to be kidding! ... Sorry, getting my thoughts back on track… Whether it is an overdose or suicide, it’s self-inflicted and very much the result of not being able to cope with life as it is, you know the life, the one ‘with everything!’  Money doesn’t buy true love, and it cannot make someone feel genuinely loved. Money cannot make you feel accepted. In fact, I would imagine it makes one question who is truly their friend, who truly loves them.  Mr. Williams appears to be a funny, light hearted, outgoing, happy guy. But isn’t laughter often a disguise for pain? Haven’t many of the greats used laughter to mask how they were really feeling, an escape from reality, from the prison that exists in their mind. Robin was also a very charitable guy, so supportive of our troops. He gave to them and went out of his way to thank them for their service. He paid off Christopher Reeves medical bills after Mr. Reeves  was out of money. He encouraged Christopher to go on, he had reasons to live, he made him laugh during the darkest part of his life. Why wasn’t he able to do this for himself? Robin often played serious roles of people with great accomplishments or who have contributed to the world in a truly life changing way. Many deep thinkers, even real life heroes. From all of these facts I have to conclude he was likely very sensitive and caring. Another trait that probably isn’t popular in the arena he worked in. Those types of things are often welcome on screen, they make for a great performance, but they get in the way on the money paved road to a fabricated idea of a successful life. And aren’t boys supposed to be tough, no crying, suck it up. Maybe entertaining was a void filler for him. Maybe he longed to be more, a real hero, maybe he felt inadequate in his own skin. Oh just move on, keep working, bury the feelings and entertain your fans. Oh whatever, right? Come on, how many people in this world would give all they have to live that life? How many put those people up on a pedestal, then the only support they’re ever shown is box office sales and ratings? Do we pray for those who entertain us, or is our admiration conditional and we just expect them to entertain us. I can’t imagine the pressure he felt, any of them feel. Most child stars have it worse, they become addicted to our admiration and worship of them so that when it’s lost, so are they. They often cope by taking drugs or they entertain using the shock factor, ugh! Poor Miley…

I think those with any moral compass are going to struggle more in the bigger than life, everything is perfect fairy tale land of Hollywood. Maybe he struggled with wanting to make a real difference, be a real hero in the world. Maybe he needed our prayers, I would venture to guess many of them do. It seems that often those with any biblical upbringing struggle the most… Miley, Justin Bieber… Michael Jackson. ‘Tortured souls’ is often how we refer to them. They have demons that haunt them. Maybe this are quite literally the case. Is it possibly in any way our fault for exalting ordinary humans just because they have a gift of entertaining, something we often take for granted while forgetting they’re human, JUST like us? Should we be exalting any humans at all? Ummm, what are those first and second commandments again? They are after all only human beings who have the same basic human needs we have. And mountains of money have failed to ever prove to be a sufficient substitute for love, acceptance or genuine human relationships. Root of all evil, something to that, maybe?

I have personally never experienced suicidal thoughts, but I have experienced a type of depression. I experienced it for years without knowing why or how to change it. Mine was brought on by untreated health problems that manifested into mental and emotional issues, not to mention thoughts I won’t go into. People usually dismiss depression as “all in your head” just as they dismiss thyroid issues as being an excuse for being fat. Oh, it must be so nice to walk through that rose garden of a  life where problems such as medical and mental issues don’t exist, but I wouldn’t know. At my worst it was about a year long struggle to get out of bed, to get dressed every day, to even eat and perform my duties as a mom. I told Jerry I couldn’t care less as to whether or not I woke up the next day. I only went on because I loved my five kids with all my heart, but I still could hardly force myself to be the mom I imagined in my head. The mom I desired and longed to be. Yes, the desire was there, but I just couldn’t make myself do what I know needed to be done. Yes, that’s right, I could not go beyond my “depression” on my own to take care of my five precious blessings who I loved more than my own life. If it wasn’t for an understanding husband & mom who dealt with my hopeless, dark limitations, lack of energy and motivation, a friend (Ms. Monday) who came over almost every day to help feed, clean up after and school my kids while I sat in a recliner in my pajamas dozing off periodically feeling lifeless. If it wasn’t for three amazing older kids who filled the gap for mom by being a mom to the younger two kids, I don’t know how we would have made it.(Obviously this was before #6 came along, # 4 questioned my ability to keep track of my number of kids after she read this.) I was surrounded by people who love me and supported me, but it made precious little, if any difference to my state of mind. I had the worst feelings of inadequacy and loneliness even though I was rarely alone.  This was it for me in my mind, and I didn’t have the energy or strength to try to change it. I was told I was loved, I was told I had value, I was told I had gifts and talents to contribute to the world, I was told I have purpose, I was told I was beautiful but none of it, not one word of it mattered.  I was doomed to be stuck in the dark hopeless prison my mind had created.

By the grace of God I am no longer there. A wonderful doctor took the time to figure out and treat me, naturally even. My problem didn’t even stem from mental issues, mine was an extremely underperforming messed up thyroid. At the time some of my levels were reversed and I barely had a trace of a particular hormone in my body. FYI, many years ago thyroid patients were put in mental institutions because some of their physical symptoms, there were symptoms that mirrored mental issues when untreated for too long. Paranoia, depression, anxiety. Don’t dismiss people when they cry for help, we don’t always know the cause or origin, they need our help and prayers. I don’t know where I would be today if I didn’t have a husband who pushed me to go on and wanted me back to myself.  It feels like another lifetime, though I still have lingering sometimes vivid memories of those dark hollow, wasted days. Vivid enough that it makes my stomach ache, but distant enough from my current state it often feels like a bad movie I watched. However, eight years later I still can’t wear pajamas beyond the morning time due to the fact that I equate it to those days when living was a chore and the feelings of hopelessness and despair were all I felt I had.

Why do I share this, finally for the first time in my life? Because saying ‘get over it’ is unfair. Dismissing it is dangerous. I saw on the news and I’ve read about the mom who took her life a few of weeks ago, she took a fatal dose of sleeping pills, it was planned. It was obvious she went to great lengths to make sure she did not survive. However, her father insisted in an interview while they were looking for her, she was missing for about two weeks, he insisted her life was perfect she had no problems, she had an ideal life, sigh! Maybe this was it, she was struggling and those who are supposed to love her most are telling her that her life is perfect. What does this do to a person’s mind that is already in darkness. They probably really begin to feel hopeless, it is them. Can you imagine her thoughts if this is how they dismissed her feelings. “It’s me, it has to be and I can’t be fixed. It’s my fault I don’t enjoy life, my loved ones say I have a perfect life, I’m broken, I’m doomed.”  Oh, that poor woman, those poor children. We really need to find our compassion and humility, put away the condemnation and try to find a solution. And pride, oh that nasty pride that comes before the fall…  

Do I know where people who commit suicide go? No, that is between God and the individual. We are all judged according to our own heart & relationship with Christ. And that judgment is God’s place, not yours, not mine and not the MSM. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Check it out in Romans, it’s there, we all need forgiveness and have forgiveness to give. And last time I checked, knowingly and willingly speaking evil (blasphemy) against the Holy Spirit is the only unforgiveable sin, you will find this in info in Matthew 12:31. We all desire to make it to heaven but then say about others, “He deserves to burn in hell…" yes, I have read posts from Christians who have said this in the last 48 hours. I even read posts of this nature pertaining to the mom who took her life a few of weeks ago. Selfish woman, she deserves to suffer! What? Wasn’t she suffering already? (Dear God are we so caught up in technicalities, procedure, doctrine that we have lost or compassion for others?)

YIKES!!!  I don’t know about you, but I do not want what I deserve, thank you Jesus for taking it all. So, as I struggle to find an answer for my kids when they ask about those who commit suicide, I ask God for guidance. I struggle because we have family members who have taken this path to escape their pain, pain I know nothing about.  I believe this is the scenario God has given me to consider.

One morning you get up late no time to pray and run out the door knowing you will be late to work. It’s okay, you will say your prayers before bed as you often do. Your boss has threatened to fire you if you’re late to work again. Out of desperation you come up with a legitimate yet fabricated reason for being late that will appease your boss, then you will be able to keep your job, a job you need badly. Your boss accepts your “made up” excuse and all is well, isn’t it? Later you  have to run out for lunch since you got up late that day. You’re killed instantly in a car accident, you never saw it coming. One of your last acts on this earth was telling a lie, a premeditated lie, a sin, do you go to hell because you never had a chance to ask for forgiveness over that one sin? I personally believe the blood of Jesus is way more powerful than that, and my relationship and professing Him as my savior matters most when I stand judgment, but that’s just me.

God knows our hearts, only He knows if we or anyone has truly accepted Him. We all should just let Him do the judging. God is merciful to us, more than we will ever be able to fathom. Jesus’ life should be evidence enough of this, but often it isn’t. Ask yourself, if God is this merciful to you, why wouldn’t you want Him to show that same mercy to others who have hurt, who may have made a bad decision born out of indescribable pain and suffering, who are as much His children as you and I are. Though I know hell is real, and some will spend their eternity there, why would I ever want anyone God created, anyone He loves, to burn in hell? Why when it is not His desire that any shall perish? Why would any Christian take the time to write such condemning hate filled words instead of whispering a prayer of hope and life for that person whose shoes you have never walked. I know I don’t know where Mr. Williams is now, or the mother who took her life, or even my family members who took their lives all those years ago. But I do hope and pray they accepted Jesus before their final act on earth. I hope they found peace with God and I truly with all my heart hope their suffering is over and they have found the light they struggled so long to find.