This has tugged at my heart for days, so I had to take the time to put it all down. I have never shared some of this before, but I felt it was time. For all those I love who have ever thought about suicide, for any who still struggle, you are not alone and you are loved. We all have mountains along our journey, please don't let the mountain of depression crush you or keep you down, let someone help you reach the top to defeat that mountain so you can continue the journey God created you to conquer!
All you grammar gurus pay no attention to my overuse of commas and extreme run on sentences. If I edit any more I will never find the time to post this, so please go easy on me, be merciful! =)
I believe everyone has their favorite
memory, role or movie Robin Williams starred in. Well, my lifestyle is about to
become blatantly obvious to anyone who does not already know me well. The day I
heard of his passing, the role that entered my head first was the Genie in
Aladdin. Oh how I enjoy all his character voices in this movie I have seen too
many times to count. Then, I think of
Mrs. Doubtfire , The Night at the Museum, and although I am not fond of the
movie as a whole, Old Dogs. The only serious role I ever watched him in was Patch
Adams, that movie shook me up, though I know the story is inspiring and true. I
prefer humor to drama, drama is in such abundant supply in life and always all
over the news; just let me laugh, please! Unfortunately my most vivid memory of
that movie is when the girl he is interested in is murdered. I know, I know,
let it go, but please, please do so without singing THAT song!!
I grew up watching him on Mork and
Mindy. Well, only when I was allowed to stay up to watch, that is. Okay and
sometimes I hid quietly at the bottom of the stairs and tried to watch, did the
same with One Day at A Time, I use to look up to Valerie Bertinelli and Pam
Dawber. My dad really liked Jonathon Winters so Mr. Williams’ was very welcomed
humor in our house. I was never a devoted fan of Mr. Williams, though I enjoyed
his movies whenever I watched them. Except Patch Adams, it’s just not my thing.(letting
it go) I am sorry to say I knew, know very little of his recent life and did
not even know he currently had a TV show, really? I had no idea he felt he was
slipping out of sobriety, I had no idea depression was plaguing him. Where have
I been? Oh yeah, time is a very precious commodity, TV is very limited in our
household. Also, I rarely keep up with Hollywood current affairs, I prefer not
to know what is going on. Ignorance is bliss, right? No, I have guilt for not
knowing. Why? I should have been praying for this man. Why? Because that is
what Christians do, we pray for others, no matter who you are?
Suicide…. An act I truly struggle
to understand, to grasp. Yes, initially in my flawed human mind, I think, WHY?
How selfish an act this can be, why on earth would you do such a thing? But
wait, before you become angry with me and get ready to lynch me, I said this
takes place in my flawed human mind that desperately lacks understanding. In my
heart, where my compassion resides, I ache to find the answer to why, the
answer to how. How do we stop this. Possible answers, solutions, questions,
scenarios run through my mind when these type of things happen. I lose sleep
over it. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a (distant) family member, a
friend, a friend of a friend, a celebrity or a total stranger who lives states
away who planned her suicide to the very last detail, the act of suicide gets
me at my very core.
I also have those initial thoughts
everyone has, you know the ones, “Don’t they know how loved they are? Don’t
they know how much pain they’re causing those they leave behind? Don’t
they…..?” As I was trying to consider these things, as I searched for an answer
I decided I also needed to read articles, blogs or posts by some who has suffered
from this mental disease, we often scoff at, the one known as depression. (Depressed,
a word seriously misused and thrown around often without genuine care or complete
understanding. Sorry, I digress. Yes, it needed to be said, moving on now…) I
wanted to see if I could get more insight from someone else who has experienced
or suffers from this condition. As I read, as I pondered, as I prayed for some
itsy tiny bit of understanding, something I had never considered crossed my
mind; then it pierced my heart, still does. Is asking a person who feels
they’re surrounded by darkness, plagued with hopelessness, to see the love
around them really fair? Is it realistic? Probably as fair and realistic as
asking a blind person to see the person standing directly in front of them. Consider
that for a moment… They know it’s there, but they can’t see it, they can’t experience
it no matter how hard they try, no matter how much we tell them. This is what
darkness does, it’s blinding, it’s deceiving it’s inescapable, at least it is
when we try to escape on our own. Darkness of the mind is like being blind.
Another question so many always
ask, “How can a person with everything be depressed?” Well, ask yourself is
money really EVERYTHING? Can it buy everything? Can it?? If so, why are so many in Hollywood addicted
to drugs and ending up the same way as Mr. Williams. So many born into money or
inheriting a fortune end up much the
same. Many lottery winners end up unhappy and broke. WARNING: my mind is about
to wander off the path... How on earth can anyone win $40 million then blow it
all and be broke? You have got to be kidding! ... Sorry, getting my thoughts
back on track… Whether it is an overdose or suicide, it’s self-inflicted and very
much the result of not being able to cope with life as it is, you know the
life, the one ‘with
everything!’ Money doesn’t buy true love, and it cannot
make someone feel genuinely loved. Money cannot make you feel accepted. In
fact, I would imagine it makes one question who is truly their friend, who
truly loves them. Mr. Williams appears
to be a funny, light hearted, outgoing, happy guy. But isn’t laughter often a
disguise for pain? Haven’t many of the greats used laughter to mask how they
were really feeling, an escape from reality, from the prison that exists in
their mind. Robin was also a very charitable guy, so supportive of our troops.
He gave to them and went out of his way to thank them for their service. He
paid off Christopher Reeves medical bills after Mr. Reeves was out of money. He encouraged Christopher
to go on, he had reasons to live, he made him laugh during the darkest part of
his life. Why wasn’t he able to do this for himself? Robin often played serious
roles of people with great accomplishments or who have contributed to the world
in a truly life changing way. Many deep thinkers, even real life heroes. From
all of these facts I have to conclude he was likely very sensitive and caring.
Another trait that probably isn’t popular in the arena he worked in. Those
types of things are often welcome on screen, they make for a great performance,
but they get in the way on the money paved road to a fabricated idea of a successful
life. And aren’t boys supposed to be tough, no crying, suck it up. Maybe
entertaining was a void filler for him. Maybe he longed to be more, a real hero,
maybe he felt inadequate in his own skin. Oh just move on, keep working, bury
the feelings and entertain your fans. Oh whatever, right? Come on, how many
people in this world would give all they have to live that life? How many put
those people up on a pedestal, then the only support they’re ever shown is box
office sales and ratings? Do we pray for those who entertain us, or is our
admiration conditional and we just expect them to entertain us. I can’t imagine
the pressure he felt, any of them feel. Most child stars have it worse, they
become addicted to our admiration and worship of them so that when it’s lost,
so are they. They often cope by taking drugs or they entertain using the shock
factor, ugh! Poor Miley…
I think those with any moral
compass are going to struggle more in the bigger than life, everything is
perfect fairy tale land of Hollywood. Maybe he struggled with wanting to make a
real difference, be a real hero in the world. Maybe he needed our prayers, I
would venture to guess many of them do. It seems that often those with any
biblical upbringing struggle the most… Miley, Justin Bieber… Michael Jackson. ‘Tortured
souls’ is often how we refer to them. They have demons that haunt them. Maybe
this are quite literally the case. Is it possibly in any way our fault for exalting
ordinary humans just because they have a gift of entertaining, something we often
take for granted while forgetting they’re human, JUST like us? Should we be exalting
any humans at all? Ummm, what are those first and second commandments again? They
are after all only human beings who have the same basic human needs we have.
And mountains of money have failed to ever prove to be a sufficient substitute
for love, acceptance or genuine human relationships. Root of all evil,
something to that, maybe?
I have personally never experienced
suicidal thoughts, but I have experienced a type of depression. I experienced
it for years without knowing why or how to change it. Mine was brought on by
untreated health problems that manifested into mental and emotional issues, not
to mention thoughts I won’t go into. People usually dismiss depression as “all
in your head” just as they dismiss thyroid issues as being an excuse for being
fat. Oh, it must be so nice to walk through that rose garden of a life where problems such as medical and mental
issues don’t exist, but I wouldn’t know. At my worst it was about a year long
struggle to get out of bed, to get dressed every day, to even eat and perform
my duties as a mom. I told Jerry I couldn’t care less as to whether or not I
woke up the next day. I only went on because I loved my five kids with all my
heart, but I still could hardly force myself to be the mom I imagined in my
head. The mom I desired and longed to be. Yes, the desire was there, but I just
couldn’t make myself do what I know needed to be done. Yes, that’s right, I
could not go beyond my “depression” on my own to take care of my five precious
blessings who I loved more than my own life. If it wasn’t for an understanding husband
& mom who dealt with my hopeless, dark limitations, lack of energy and
motivation, a friend (Ms. Monday) who came over almost every day to help feed,
clean up after and school my kids while I sat in a recliner in my pajamas
dozing off periodically feeling lifeless. If it wasn’t for three amazing older
kids who filled the gap for mom by being a mom to the younger two kids, I don’t
know how we would have made it.(Obviously this was before #6 came along, # 4
questioned my ability to keep track of my number of kids after she read this.) I
was surrounded by people who love me and supported me, but it made precious
little, if any difference to my state of mind. I had the worst feelings of
inadequacy and loneliness even though I was rarely alone. This was it for me in my mind, and I didn’t
have the energy or strength to try to change it. I was told I was loved, I was
told I had value, I was told I had gifts and talents to contribute to the
world, I was told I have purpose, I was told I was beautiful but none of it,
not one word of it mattered. I was
doomed to be stuck in the dark hopeless prison my mind had created.
By the grace of God I am no longer
there. A wonderful doctor took the time to figure out and treat me, naturally
even. My problem didn’t even stem from mental issues, mine was an extremely
underperforming messed up thyroid. At the time some of my levels were reversed
and I barely had a trace of a particular hormone in my body. FYI, many years
ago thyroid patients were put in mental institutions because some of their
physical symptoms, there were symptoms that mirrored mental issues when
untreated for too long. Paranoia, depression, anxiety. Don’t dismiss people
when they cry for help, we don’t always know the cause or origin, they need our
help and prayers. I don’t know where I would be today if I didn’t have a
husband who pushed me to go on and wanted me back to myself. It feels like another lifetime, though I still
have lingering sometimes vivid memories of those dark hollow, wasted days. Vivid
enough that it makes my stomach ache, but distant enough from my current state
it often feels like a bad movie I watched. However, eight years later I still
can’t wear pajamas beyond the morning time due to the fact that I equate it to
those days when living was a chore and the feelings of hopelessness and despair
were all I felt I had.
Why do I share this, finally for
the first time in my life? Because saying ‘get over it’ is unfair. Dismissing
it is dangerous. I saw on the news and I’ve read about the mom who took her
life a few of weeks ago, she took a fatal dose of sleeping pills, it was
planned. It was obvious she went to great lengths to make sure she did not
survive. However, her father insisted in an interview while they were looking
for her, she was missing for about two weeks, he insisted her life was perfect
she had no problems, she had an ideal life, sigh! Maybe this was it, she was
struggling and those who are supposed to love her most are telling her that her
life is perfect. What does this do to a person’s mind that is already in
darkness. They probably really begin to feel hopeless, it is them. Can you
imagine her thoughts if this is how they dismissed her feelings. “It’s me, it
has to be and I can’t be fixed. It’s my fault I don’t enjoy life, my loved ones
say I have a perfect life, I’m broken, I’m doomed.” Oh, that poor woman, those poor children. We
really need to find our compassion and humility, put away the condemnation and
try to find a solution. And pride, oh that nasty pride that comes before the
fall…
Do I know where people who commit
suicide go? No, that is between God and the individual. We are all judged
according to our own heart & relationship with Christ. And that judgment is
God’s place, not yours, not mine and not the MSM. We have all sinned and fall
short of the glory of God. Check it out in Romans, it’s there, we all need
forgiveness and have forgiveness to give. And last time I checked, knowingly
and willingly speaking evil (blasphemy) against the Holy Spirit is the only
unforgiveable sin, you will find this in info in Matthew 12:31. We all desire
to make it to heaven but then say about others, “He deserves to burn in hell…"
yes, I have read posts from Christians who have said this in the last 48 hours.
I even read posts of this nature pertaining to the mom who took her life a few
of weeks ago. Selfish woman, she deserves to suffer! What? Wasn’t she suffering
already? (Dear God are we so caught up in technicalities, procedure, doctrine
that we have lost or compassion for others?)
YIKES!!! I don’t know about you, but I do not want
what I deserve, thank you Jesus for taking it all. So, as I struggle to find an
answer for my kids when they ask about those who commit suicide, I ask God for
guidance. I struggle because we have family members who have taken this path to
escape their pain, pain I know nothing about.
I believe this is the scenario God has given me to consider.
One morning you get up late no time
to pray and run out the door knowing you will be late to work. It’s okay, you
will say your prayers before bed as you often do. Your boss has threatened to
fire you if you’re late to work again. Out of desperation you come up with a
legitimate yet fabricated reason for being late that will appease your boss, then
you will be able to keep your job, a job you need badly. Your boss accepts your
“made up” excuse and all is well, isn’t it? Later you have to run out for lunch since you got up
late that day. You’re killed instantly in a car accident, you never saw it
coming. One of your last acts on this earth was telling a lie, a premeditated
lie, a sin, do you go to hell because you never had a chance to ask for
forgiveness over that one sin? I personally believe the blood of Jesus is way
more powerful than that, and my relationship and professing Him as my savior
matters most when I stand judgment, but that’s just me.
God knows our hearts, only He knows
if we or anyone has truly accepted Him. We all should just let Him do the
judging. God is merciful to us, more than we will ever be able to fathom. Jesus’
life should be evidence enough of this, but often it isn’t. Ask yourself, if
God is this merciful to you, why wouldn’t you want Him to show that same mercy
to others who have hurt, who may have made a bad decision born out of
indescribable pain and suffering, who are as much His children as you and I are.
Though I know hell is real, and some will spend their eternity there, why would
I ever want anyone God created, anyone He loves, to burn in hell? Why when it
is not His desire that any shall perish? Why would any Christian take the time
to write such condemning hate filled words instead of whispering a prayer of
hope and life for that person whose shoes you have never walked. I know I don’t
know where Mr. Williams is now, or the mother who took her life, or even my
family members who took their lives all those years ago. But I do hope and pray
they accepted Jesus before their final act on earth. I hope they found peace
with God and I truly with all my heart hope their suffering is over and they
have found the light they struggled so long to find.
