Fear is the Failure

Fear, truly the worst four letter f word, ever. Really, it truly is. Fear is so rampant, so wide spread, so contagious; so very crippling. It’s a joy stealing, dream killing, goal stalling, life inhibiting emotion! Fear stinks!

No one ever says things like, “He leapt joyfully with fear.” “She accomplished so much due to her fears.” “Fear took them so far.” Have they? I don’t recall ever seeing anyone speak positively about fear; well not unless they are on the other side of it. Fear is an obstacle we want to conquer, a feeling we want to bury, a condition we feel hopeless and stuck in. The only thing good about fear is leaving it behind.

Whether it is the fear of something tangible like snakes, spiders, mice, etc. or fear of a situation or event happening, it’s usually something we cannot control that causes us the most fear. I recently asked on FB for people to share their fears with me. Many people shared, many had the same fears. The fear of losing someone they love…. The fear of letting others down, the fear of not fulfilling their purpose. So many fears so little time, so many fears in common.

Lack of control, the unknown, the unaccomplished, the road never traveled. Oh fear, how I hate thee.

For so long I thought I was the only one, seriously. This has practically crippled me from the very beginning of motherhood. I was not a fearful person growing up. I was somewhat dare-devilish… I would try things on a dare, I would always take the challenge if you told me I couldn’t do something… I am still this way. Hence the weight loss in the last 9 months, but the story of that challenge is for another blogpost.  I do not remember being fearful as a kid or teen…. Well except Rumpelstiltskin, he scared the crud out of me…. That and my older sisters and older cousins let us watch Psycho when I was about 8 or 9… Yes, I had a very hard time walking upstairs at night, it took years for my heart to stop pounding every time I rounded the corner to walk up the stairs, oh and I mostly took baths, just a precaution!!! Anyway, I loved heights, taking chances, riding all rides (sorry Raquel!) Jumping of cliffs, loved it all. BUT, becoming a mother scared me to, well scared me into fear. Maybe that doesn’t make sense, but I lived in a state of fear for quite some time. What the heck am I going to do with a baby all day? Will I know when to feed him, change him… Mommy? Me? NO! This is a colossally bad idea, really, I was NOT created to be a mother! I was a selfish, career driven, selfish, I have goals and dreams kind of person. Oh and I was selfish. Whose idea was this anyway?  God definitely has a sense of humor! As many of you know we found out early on during my pregnancy JJ had major medical issues, a defect they called it. Too much strenuous activity or over exerting myself could cause growth retardation.  I dropped college, quit working and bed ridden, I was!

My fear quickly evolved from what will I do all day to what if he doesn’t make it? What if he dies, what if he has no will to live due to all his pain and surgeries, etc. I cried and prayed non-stop after he was born until one early morning when a nurse said, “Mom, it’s gonna be okay. He is one of the strongest kids in this unit.” My reply was, “What if he gives up, what if he doesn’t want to live?” I was 21, and as any mommy knows, you’re attached as soon as you see that positive pregnancy test. She answered me with such gentle certainty, “Oh mom, he doesn’t know giving up is an option!” WOW! And though those words have stuck with me, as a mom fear remained and has been my greatest nemesis!

I’ve read many times that fear is mentioned in the Bible 365 times, that would be once for every day of the year. Could it be God knew we would all have fear, different fears, all kinds of fears, fears in different forms and at varying levels. Fears fears fears! Of course He knew, He’s God. We’re human, we’re flawed, we will mess up, have fear and we will sin, despite our best efforts not to. He knew we would fear, because He knew we would lack trust. I believe fear is ultimately the lack of trust in Him. I have often thought I had to control the situation, hover if you will, to prevent any bad things from happening. Makes sense, doesn’t it? God needed my help and I have been so willing to lend Him a hand…. I’m joking of course, what He needs is for me to get out of the way. Get out of the way and trust in Him. Sounds so easy. I ask for help with this almost daily. God replace my fears with bravery, boldness, courage and confidence in You. I ask this a lot; I am trying to practice it a lot. I am getting better, working on getting a lot better!

But let me share with you how not only fear as a mother caused me to be a helicopter mom, but to not move forward, I remained stunted in my growth and accomplishments. I put everything on hold, I even decided this was all I was to do in my life, despite knowing otherwise. Oh the enemy knows us all too well. I stopped writing for years, I dropped out of college and didn’t go back. I threw in the towel….. I was miserable and living with the fear that I would die one day having not ever accomplished the goals I believed God set in my heart. Not just goals, dreams, things I feel strongly and passionately about. This made me angry, and I am not an angry person. But because I bottled it up and dismissed all the nagging and tugging at my heart I got frustrated more every day. And I might have stayed that way if it wasn’t for the wisdom of my children…. Didn’t He say a child shall lead them? Never dismiss this, it is so true.

One of my children came to me one evening, this is after I had been praying about God leading me to get me out of the circumstances I was in. My own self-made misery. After God, through prayer, reminded me I needed to stop preaching at my kids about working harder for their dreams and goals, I needed to start showing them… Wait what? I take them to church, teach them to volunteer, to give of their time, to read the Bible, to pray, to be loyal, to be honest…. I feed them healthy foods, I insist they do physical activity, attend all their practices, and even practice on their own. What is this about???? Well, this child sat on my bed one evening to tell us they no longer wanted to do what they originally sat out to do. The child cried, made me cry. When I asked why they were crying, the child informed me they didn’t want me mad at them because of what they wanted to do now... I was puzzled, of course I won’t be mad, why would I be mad? This child knew I was excited about what they were pursuing. Okay but… This child went on to tell me it was because they thought I might think it’s stupid since I gave up on my dreams and settled...  HUGE THROAT STRETCHING GULP!!!! DING, DING, DING, WE HAVE A WINNER! Oh, how that hit me, it hit me hard, very hard. But God had honestly prepared me to hear it, so I understood what I had to do.

Fear had crippled me in so many ways. I feared for the safety and salvation of my kids, which meant I lacked trust in Him. But that wasn’t all of it; my fear over my kids was causing my greatest fear to come to fruition. The fear of failure, the fear of dying with regret!! That is my greatest fear, and due to my fear, it was happening. My fears were causing my greatest fears to be right on schedule to pull in to the station at the end of my journey. The worst part, I’ve allowed it the whole time.

While praying one week, I felt God saying something to me. This is why I posted a while back asking for others to share about their fears, I heard it loud and clear.

FEAR IS THE FAILURE!

Whoa, I had to stop and listen again. Wait, what?? FEAR IS THE FAILURE? I Prayed for guidance to understand this. You see, fear is the lack of trust and the usher of doubt which is the absence of faith! Whoa, again.

Fear is the lack of trust and the usher of doubt which is the absence of faith!

BAM!

I get it now; I get what God was telling me. I allowed fear to defeat me, when I should have been trusting in Him the whole time. Fear isn’t just fear; it’s s a joy stealing, life ruining, passion preventing, dream crushing event. So again, fear was making my worst fears come to life. I was trusting God for some many things, mostly other people’s needs, their healing and answers, just not my own. Not when it came to me and those closest to me.

In the beginning I argued about moving forward with what I felt passionate about, pursuing the inspirations God has given me. Those goals that won’t go away. I have been ready to give up so many times. One of my many debates recently has been due to my age, but then the Lord allowed me to see this quote by CS Lewis.

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”

God is always right on time… wish I was!

I have remedied, through the grace of God, a lot of those things I had neglected. I have stomped on many fears, kissed them good-bye, and I have stepped out of my comfort zone in SO many ways. I have pushed myself this past year, a lot. I have survived experiences that made my heart race, BUT, I walked away ready to try again. Much progress still to be made, but I am happy to report SO much has been accomplished.  I still have a few obstacles to leap over, and I will leap over them. You see, they no longer scare me, they challenge me, AND I LIKE A CHALLENGE!!